Your Boss Isn’t the Problem — Your Relationship With Them Is

If you’ve ever felt your patience evaporate when your boss emails you late at night or asks for help with something they clearly could do themselves, you’re not alone.

Maybe it’s the third request to review the same memo.
Maybe it’s the “quick question” that arrives well after business hours.
And maybe what you feel isn’t just annoyance — it’s resentment.

It’s easy to conclude that the problem is your boss.
But that conclusion, while understandable, is often what keeps the frustration alive.

What’s Actually Creating the Stress

Let’s start with something simple and uncomfortable:
Your boss’s behavior doesn’t create your stress.

Two people can work for the same leader, receive the same after-hours message, and have completely different emotional reactions. One feels irritated and disrespected. The other shrugs, responds later, or doesn’t feel much at all.

The difference isn’t the email.
It’s the meaning being assigned to it.

When your boss asks for help you believe they “shouldn’t need,” the thought might sound like:

• They don’t respect my time.

• They’re incompetent.

• I shouldn’t have to deal with this.

Those thoughts make impatience and frustration make perfect sense. Anyone thinking that way would feel the same.

But it’s important to notice: the emotion isn’t coming from the request itself — it’s coming from what you’re making the request mean.

Why This Pattern Feels So Draining

When you believe your boss shouldn’t be who they are, you end up in a quiet tug-of-war with reality.

You might comply while feeling resentful.
You might respond sharply or withdraw.
You might replay the interaction long after it’s over.

And the result is usually the same: a strained relationship, more evidence that “this is a problem,” and even less patience the next time it happens.

Nothing has gone wrong — this is just how the cycle works.

Reframing Isn’t Excusing — It’s Reclaiming Power

At this point, many people worry that changing how they think means approving of behavior they don’t like.

It doesn’t.

Reframing isn’t about pretending your boss is perfect or that the requests are ideal. It’s about choosing an interpretation that puts you back in control of your experience.

For example:

• Instead of “They shouldn’t need this much reassurance,”
  you might try “They manage their anxiety by looping others in.”

• Instead of “This is a waste of my time,”
  you might try “I get to decide how much energy I give this.”

These thoughts aren’t “truer.” They’re simply more useful.

And when your thinking changes, your emotional response changes with it — often before your boss does anything differently.

The Real Payoff

When you stop insisting that your boss be different so you can feel better, something surprising happens.

You show up calmer.
You communicate more clearly.
You respond instead of react.

From that place, boundaries — when needed — are cleaner. Conversations are less charged. And the relationship often improves, even if the behavior doesn’t change overnight.

The goal isn’t to fix your boss.
It’s to change the relationship you have with them in your own mind.

Because that’s the part you actually control.