Manuals: The Hidden Expectations That Keep You Stuck

You probably have a secret rule book for the people in your life — even if you don’t realize it.

Your boss should stop by and congratulate you.
Your family should text before 8 a.m. on your birthday.
Your coworker should just know what to do on a big project.

These are Manuals — the invisible instruction guides you write for how other people should behave so you can feel a certain way.

The issue?
Most of us never actually tell people what’s in these Manuals. And even if we did, other adults still have full agency to do whatever they want.

So when they don’t follow our internal rule book, we feel disappointed, resentful, or hurt — not because of what they did, but because they didn’t behave according to the script we wrote in our minds.

Take my friend who had a hiccup in her wedding venue plans. She was furious. Her fiancé wasn’t.
Then she got mad that he wasn’t mad.

The problem wasn’t the venue.
It was the Manual: “If I’m upset, you should be upset too.”
Her fiancé had no obligation to feel a particular emotion on cue.

So as you move through your day, try asking:

• Do I have a Manual for this person?

• Have I actually communicated my expectations?

• Am I willing to let them be who they are, without making their choices mean something about me?

When you drop your Manuals, two things happen:
You communicate more clearly, and you feel more in control of your emotional world. You stop outsourcing your feelings to other people’s behavior.

That’s where real connection — and real agency — begins.